Mirror, Mirror...Who am I?

It is infinitely heart-breaking to meet her glance

Who was it that said that "An unexamined life is not worth living."? Oh yes. Socrates. It's a phrase that has served as a lodestar for me my entire adult life, a philosophy that set me on a journey of self discovery that began when I was about twelve years old. Naturally at that age I had a fairly limited idea about what formed the concept of examining oneself. But I began the process of looking about to see how I felt about things in general. The sum total of my efforts at that point culminated with the knowledge that the entire smorgasbord of organized world religions had absolutely nothing to offer me whatsoever. I was astonished by the revelation. And so I was off, discovering this, that and the other thing that I didn't like, and as time went by I became increasingly vocal in my opinions, particularly about what I found wrong with the world around me. After all, wasn't I examining myself by evaluating the world in which I lived? I found that a healthy dose of self-righteousness mixed in with intelligent critical thinking was really the way the world should be viewed. And not just by me. But by one and all. And according to my principles.

I'm not sure when the slap in the face. came. It might have been in a drug-induced haze in my 20s, or possibly as a bolt of lightening that shot through me from a simple phrase in a book I was reading at the time (which is not at all an unlikely way for enlightenment to come to me). Whatever. I found myself suddenly struck by the absurdly painful notion that a self examined life meant that one actually examines oneself, looks under the hidden rocks, opens the closet doors, digs through the primal ooze of ego, shame, blame, and a lifetime full of false beliefs. So I responded to the whole idea in the only way that made sense to me. I began to drink. And kept on drinking for the next 20 years. Drugs fell by the wayside (too paranoid), cigarettes were life threatening (I accidentally set my sweater on fire when I was shit-faced one night). It was only after I stopped drinking (another story altogether) that I started reluctantly tried to put into practice the concept that had so horrified me years earlier. I had help. Lots of help. Good friends. Good therapists. Great lessons from the universe. Then, at some point I learned that this was an ongoing process, that I wouldn't wake up one morning and say "Right, got it, all examined, all fixed, let's go for tea". Depression set in. And stayed for a long, unwelcome visit like a bad house guest. 

After this had gone on for a bit I began to hear an annoyingly persistent voice, whose origin I couldn't quite identify, keep whispering in my ear, "Go for a walk in the woods." So I did. Then I went again. And again. Soon it became a regular and remembered cherished habit. I started to reconnect with nature. I had been a park ranger for nine years and had switched careers to be a graphic designer. I had spent less and less time outside. Big mistake. As I started listening to the voices of the natural world outside all around me I began to find my own inner voice, waiting patiently to be heard... And that it was worth actually listening to. I was hearing with my inner self - my spirit and my heart. When I discovered that all the voices were coming from the same source I was joyously mystified. Mystified. Steeped in Mystery. I love both of these states of being as one directly reflects the other. I love the world's mysteries, and I love the fact that my own inner mysteries are always, always somehow connected to the outer mystery presenting itself at the time. I learned a new word to describe this phenomena - synchronicity. A truly self examined life meant reflection. Inner meet Outer. As above, so below. Socrates....very cool, dude.

Fast Forward

So much can happen in two years. We all know about the big stuff - the natural disasters that change the face of our planet, the environmental catastrophes that threaten to wipe out large ecosystems, the horrific acts of violence and terror that human beings inflict on one another, the surprising new faces on the worldwide political stage, the riveting acts of heroic ordinary people determined to help one another survive despite seemingly insurmountable odds. These are the things that engage our collective attention.

But the day-to-day happenings of life for most of us of are generally made up of smaller scale dramas, the mundane events that make our small worlds go 'round. "What, my invitation to the party got lost in the mail?"  "No, I am not driving all the to the mall to bring you your cell phone." "They want how much to fix the car?" I have been away from this blog for two years living out my own scenarios. I don't want to spend a whole lot of time and detail about what has happened, so here's..

The Nutshell: my friend (who originally inspired this blog) survived her cancer and is doing well. Sadly, our friendship did not survive. Sometime during the rehabilitation phase of her illness things became completely unglued. The reasons are complex and really, the less said the better. Leave it at that I am sad for the loss. On the totally opposite end of the spectrum, I got married to a wonderful man I have known as a friend for the last 10 years. This joyous event has also served to alter my personal landscape in unexpected ways, catapulting me into a new life. I now have step-children, mostly grown, thankfully. I have acquired a large new musical family, as he is a musician. I have been married before, as has he, but we are finding that middle-aged love is vastly different than young love. It feels like it has more emotional, spiritual, and intellectual "meat" and less hormonal "heat", if you will.  Needless to say we are both delighted with the "meat:heat" ratio and are very much in love. Despite, or perhaps because of, sagging bellys, bad backs, and worn out knees.

Finally, factor in some rather unfortunate and severe health issues that I've been visited by in the past two years and life just went whizzing by while this blog lay fallow - patiently awaiting a new Spring when long-awaited tending would begin anew. Well, Spring has arrived! This blog was begun in Spring two years ago and is being resurrected again in Spring. The wheel turns and brings us back to new beginnings. So rambles will again be recounted, cat tales may abound, and my love and stewardship of the earth will devotedly continue....maybe even more strongly than before. Time has a way of altering the lens though which we perceive what is important to us. And I now know that this Earth is who and what I am most connected to in this life. I love my family, I love my friends, and I love the new opportunities that await me as my mental foliage unfolds once more.

It's an "Oh Auntie Em, there's no place like home" moment.

The Queen of All She Surveys

Living with a elderly cat who has wandered gradually into a state of dementia has been one of the more interesting experiences of my adult life. My beloved Sissy, who is now 19 years old, has begun to exhibit behaviors and traits that are eerily familiar and, I have to admit, extremely unsettling. It's a lot of like watching what happened to my grandmother before she died. Well it would be, that is, if my grandmother had had four legs and a cheap fur coat... ok, four legs anyway. There's the basic befuddlement - walking into a room, stopping, looking around and wondering, "Where am I going and why am I in this hand-basket". Understandable...happens to me all the time. And the deafness...sure, that comes to all of us with age. The fact that I can walk up behind her loudly calling out her name and she still jumps a foot if I reach out and touch her is, I am ashamed to admit, sometimes comical (I feel SO guilty). The wobbly gait, the constant visits to the litter-box (where she has been known to exhibit the same "Huh? Where am I?" expression mentioned above) are completely old-age appropriate and every woman over the age of 45 or so can totally identify with the "more frequent visits to the litter-box" thing, let me tell you. Then there's the flatulence. The less said about that the better. She sleeps more (is that even possible for a cat?), she eats less, and she has turned into "Velcro Kitty", wanting to stand on my full bladder wearing her little kitty toe-shoes at every possible opportunity. I get all that. What is troubling almost to the point of sleep-deprived madness is her new habit of jumping up onto the bed in the middle of the night, walking right up next to my ear and screaming at the top of her little kitty lungs - the sound of which, for anyone who has ever experienced the same sort of phenomena in a tiny baby, is inversely (and I might add, perversely) proportionate to her size. My cat weighs 5 pounds. If I'm doing the math right her voice strikes my eardrum at a glass shattering 130 decibels (the benchmark for the threshold of acoustical pain). She then proceeds to walk around the house making a noise that, for lack of a better description, sounds like badly-tuned bagpipes being played by a monkey on crack imitating a wounded badger. With a hangover. And a chip on his shoulder. This goes on for an hour or so. It's oddly reminiscent of many of the trips I took to the nursing home to see my grandmother in her final days, when she had absolutely no idea who I was. I'd be walking down the hall after a sad and frustrating visit, and I'd hear a voice, wailing, shrieking, and crying out so loudly that my head would automatically whip around in panic stricken hyper-alertness to find the source of what seemed to me to be "the sound of ultimate suffering". As I'd be trying to decide whether or not a life threatening emergency existed, I would finally be able to make out a single, demanding word... being screamed over, and over, and over... "NURSE!!!!" - each petition being punctuated viciously with the manic buzzing of a call button being repeatedly, incessantly and relentlessly mashed by a 98 pound woman who could probably have bench-pressed my car. My Vet describes this behavior from my cat, known as "increased nocturnal vocalizations", as "fairly typical in cats with dementia". Well yes, I suppose so if that's the diagnostic term for it (what choice do I have..."I'm an artist, Jim, not a doctor"), but it is still disconcerting as hell. What I find to be the most distressing part is not that my adored kitty has turned into a crotchety, old woman who fusses and frets constantly. No, what makes me really stop, bend over and loosen my shoes is the thought that one day *I* may be the old lady with the demonic buzzer in my hand - clutching it desperately like a lifeline - trying to telegraph to anyone who will listen my desperate life-affirming pleas for attention, affection and some semblance of dignity. If so, then, I will promise to do my best not to sneak up on anyone in the middle of the night and scream loudly in their ear....on the other hand.....

I Go Like the Raven

"Woodpecker woman chip away, whittle,
Carve my name on a hick'ry fiddle,
Dance all night, dream just a little,
I go like the raven..."
~Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer~

Ravens, for me, have always been the most fascinating birds in myths, stories and legends. So many aboriginal, indigenous and ancient cultures have believed that the raven had incredibly powerful qualities influencing some, if not all, of their original creation myths, with this ubiquitous bird possessing different attributes for whichever group of people you study. The raven: sometimes the Fearful Harbinger of Woe or Reviled Scavenger of Death. Sometimes the Triumphant Herald of War bringing with it the assurance of victory, glory, and valor. Sometimes the sly, unscrupulous, cosmic Trickster. Sometimes the Revered Messenger of The Gods or, for some, the Creator of the universe itself. For some reason (or perhaps all of the above) I have always identified with the raven. It is, in fact, my "totem" animal - presenting one or more faces of its many faceted persona in my life at all times. Right now Raven seems to be the Herald of War, with my friend's upcoming fearsome battle with cancer as its manifestation. Here also at this moment in time is the ever-present Trickster (my personal favorite) because nothing in life ever *really* goes according to plan - somehow we humans think that we're actually in control of the outcome of any situation. Still... Recognizing that, I have decided to try and summon the Revered Messenger of The Gods, inviting that particular spirit aspect to come, sit down and have tea with me - so that I can ever-so-calmly (and, of course, with great respect) say,"Okay, you sly bastard, let's get to work here to make this right. I want to be able to shout from the rooftops about the demise of my friend's illness". Then I step back, take a breath, and realize once again that this, too, is out of my control. It's an unrelenting, ongoing and sometimes vicious struggle for me to bear in mind that this has nothing to do with what *I* want. This is a journey that my friend is on and I am merely the "wingwoman", as it were. I will coordinate the schedule of rotating cooks, visitors, helpers, drivers, shoppers and advocates. But I pray that as I do so Raven will be covering my back, sitting upon my shoulder whispering wise words, clearing the path ahead of obstacles, and flying shotgun for me. I pray that the wild, fierce, warrior energy of Raven will be able to partner with the peaceful, gentle, healing energy of good health. I pray most fervently for my friend to be well. And, since I am in full-on prayer mode, I would ask for one more thing...let the "ravens of unresting thought" (thank you, Mr. Yeats) be stilled, so that I may fasten my seatbelt, hold on to my hat, and get on this roller-coaster with a clear and accepting heart. So that I, too, may go like the raven.

Clarke Pond

 A drawing from an old sketchbook of the trail

Clarke Pond is part of a small patch of conservation property not far from my home. I like to think of it as my own personal walking meditation place. It's a lovely spot - seasonally a home to ducks, geese, egrets, herons, kingfishers, red-winged blackbirds, and a layover for other migrating waterfowl as well as a huge variety of birds traveling along the Eastern Atlantic Flyway. It's bordered on one side by a beach hammered by the wild and gray Atlantic Ocean, and on the other by salt marsh, low-lying swampy wetlands and large outcroppings of granite hosting a mixed hardwood and conifer forest. In other words - an absolute cornucopia of habitats for all sorts of animals - furred, feathered and scaled. There are a few trails running through the property, none of them very demanding for the hardened hiker, yet somehow just perfect for rumination, brief vertical challenges and rocky, ankle-twisting mindfulness.

It is a place of profound solace for me - the place I head when I need to calm the "monkey-mind" that invariably tangles me up as a result of living immersed in the craziness of the modern world. I never fail to come away without some form of "treasure" after having spent an hour or so wandering about. Treasure is a concept that I'm learning to redefine in very different terms these days - a pure white, downy feather snagged on a thin tree limb, waving madly in the wind like a small flag of universal surrender or perhaps semaphore to the unknown in a language now lost. A sand dollar washed up completely intact on a beach dense with tide-tumbled stones of all sizes and shapes. A stick with the letter "C" carved into it by some small worm or cellulose loving insect. The perfect stone with which to make a talisman for a friend far away. These are the tangible treasures that I can take with me. These are the cherished renderings of the ground I walk, the gifts of the natural world. But today there was another kind of treasure that found me. One completely unlooked for, completely unseen by the eye that sees the "world as it is". As I rambled about I was suddenly overcome with the most profound feeling of gratitude that I have ever experienced for the gift of all the friendships that I have been blessed with. Friendship is one of life's greatest intangible treasures, seen only with the "inner" eye - the eye of the heart - and I knew at that moment that I had connected to that sacred thread that links us all together, makes us love each other, and humbles us in the face of tragedy. I left Clarke Pond, the biting wind off the North Atlantic stinging my face as I slogged my way up the beach - headed home with full pockets, a full heart, and eager anticipation for the cup of cocoa waiting for me at home. And talk about treasure...don't even get me started on the virtues of chocolate.

Absolute Zero

Today is the launch of my blog. My best friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer. This space is dedicated to her and the journey we will take together. It will be my safe haven for musing, raging, ranting, and hopefully healing. I shall try to live my own message - I will begin to walk the words in order to find the space between and take away whatever wisdom is revealed on any given day. Today the brush has been cleared, so now I must set out on this unknown path - following in the footsteps of all who have gone before me.